Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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