I feel great
I just peed on a car
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize