I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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