you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
