if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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