Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
