If i come over, it means nothing
And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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