I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
