I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
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