i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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