Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Four minutes until I can fart!
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
