oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
