Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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