Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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