I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
