I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
