Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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