Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
we made out on top of his cat.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
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