He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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