So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
