he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
