Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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