your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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