remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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