I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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