I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
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