There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
