Pappa wants mamma naked
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
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