Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
