Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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