Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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