Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Randomize
