my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
