I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I just blew my weed a kiss
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
