I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
