She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
