omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Randomize
