got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
