meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
