i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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