if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
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I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
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Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
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