I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
