I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
