I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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