so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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