I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
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