just come out here and I will go home with you...
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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