Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
