I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
