Ambien. No doubt about it.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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