What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I am spending my child support on dildos
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
