I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
