thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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