I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
