I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
