I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
A bitchslap is in order.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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