Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
